Many of my closest friends have read this article I wrote probably around 6 months ago about some of my experiences as a substitute teacher. . .
Today, I've decided to share it with the world.
This blog post is dedicated to the Students at Shades Valley/JCIB who have made my experiences in teaching wonderfully enlightening and enjoyable. You all have helped me to find my passion.
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Adventures in Substituting…Diary of an Endangered Species
I am a substitute teacher that takes his job too seriously. I am the one man crusade getting paid fifty bucks a day to baby-sit the children of Jefferson County parents while their real teacher is out sick, on vacation, or just plain fed up. The only problem is, I want them to actually learn something.
Walking into the front doors of any high school, after having received both a diploma and a degree, proved to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in life. My stomach was in knots as I moseyed down the fluorescent hallways to my assigned classroom. Today was my initiation into the world of education. I was to become a member of a fraternity of individuals who not only act as teachers, but disciplinarians, and at times surrogate parents
I sat idly behind the teacher’s cluttered desk waiting on the bell to ring and usher in a pack of trendy hipsters with no other purpose in life than to make mine, the new sub, a living hell. As the students amble in one by one, eyes heavy from their early morning bus rides and late night phone conversations about absolutely nothing, I am overwhelmed with a sense of queasiness that twisted my stomach into a Jacob’s Ladder.
“Hey, we have a guy substitute! Oh my God, and he’s black,” yells the 5’9” track star with the flowing ebony locks of hair, “I have got to take a picture!” I chuckle just a little bit and proceed to ask them to take their seats.
Being a substitute has made me highly aware of two facts. I am Black. I am Male. While these were always very obvious to me, I had no idea how obvious they were to those around me. Being such has made me a benefit to some and an oddity to others.
On the one hand I provide a friendly face and an articulate voice to an entire group of children that are “hard to handle” in the predominately white Jefferson County School System. I look like them, I speak their language, I can relate to them. Only six years (and 30 pounds) ago, I was in their shoes.
On the other hand, a male teacher is hard to swallow for some. A black male teacher that isn’t teaching athletics is even harder to grasp. I never was good at basketball, I’m too short. I couldn’t play football, I’m too small. I preferred Chess, poetry, and females to locker rooms and jock straps. I preferred Sum 41 to 50 Cent. I was simply different.
Patrick Carrington is an anomaly such as myself. The 11th grader prefers to wear button-down dress shirts instead of the long nightgownish tees that his friends swim through the halls in everyday. His square toed oxfords are immaculately polished and provide a sharp contrast to the $200 Jordans and Nike Air Force One’s that his peers wear.
Patrick often walks a lonely road in the land of promise and pain that is high school. He stares straight ahead when swiftly making his way through the crush of students that clutter the hallway between classes. He is a young man determined.
I was Patrick’s substitute for a vocational technology class, and was mildly inspired when the young man with the neck tie in a Windsor knot asked me about college, “Is college really that hard, Mr. Hullett?”
“Well, for me it was. But that was only because my focus was wrong in the beginning. I honestly went to college because there were prettier women there,” I reply with a smile. Amused at my response and shocked at my candor, Patrick laughs nervously and fidgets in his chair. He then sits in amazement as I detail the finer points of success in college. I go through the typical clichés and offer him unconventional wisdom.
“Make sure you study enough to get good grades, but don’t forget to have fun,” I tell him. He smiles and says, “Yeah man, I know I’m gonna party when I get to school.” I smile and urge him to focus more on the books than the babes and beer.
Glancing at the clock, I realized I have talked to Patrick for more than an hour. The bell rings and Patrick gathers his items. He says, “Thanks Mr. Hullett, you’re a really good role model. I hope you come back.” I smile and promise to hurry back soon.
“Why do we have to take math? I am never gonna use this stuff again in my life! This is so stupid,” shouts Rusty in the middle of his Calculus class, his pale face flushed and his mop of red hair tousled all over the place. The rest of the students freeze and look like sheep that have wandered into a wolf’s lair. One half of the class is expecting me to explode and write him up like so many substitutes that they have had over the years. The other half of the class is expecting me to nod and smile and pretend that I didn’t hear any of Rusty’s outburst of exasperation.
What they fail to realize is that I’m not the 68 year old retired blue hair who is subbing to keep herself feeling useful, or the 43 year old retired banker who is subbing just for something to do. No, I am the 23 year old naïve optimist, hell bent on making sure they charge bravely into the future.
“Do you really think that you’re learning calculus to teach you how to count,” I ask Rusty? “You’re not learning how to count Rusty, you’re learning how to think. Counting was achieved and mastered in third grade. Everything after that is teaching you problem solving, critical thinking, and logical reasoning skills.”
“I still want to know when in my life that I’m gonna use calculus! This is not what I need to be a police officer,” he bellows, his response a little less intensely delivered than his initial outburst.
“Rusty, when have you ever seen an unknown number? When have you ever had to find the square root of something outside of school? How did those things challenge you though? How many times have you had to work through some problem in your life without having all of the information? How many times have you had to reason your way through something, or break down a concept for your own understanding,” I ask?
Although the questions come rapid fire and in structured succession, Rusty doesn’t seem to feel challenged, his anger is slowly subsiding as the redness slips away from his face. He eases back in his seat and gives me a puzzled look.
“If you’ve ever figured something out on your own, you can thank math for that,” I said. It appears to be the death blow to his argument. With all the fight taken out of him, Rusty eases back in his chair and continues to do work diligently in his Calculus workbook.
The other students exchange glances and breathe the comfortable breaths of newfound knowledge. Calculus no longer seems as scary to them as it once was. A student whispers, “Damn, Mr. Hullett don’t play that huh?”
Later that day, I am recounting the story to the School Secretary, Ruth Waldrep, and she says, “Wow, you mean you actually got them to understand why they do math without raising your voice? You’re a good one.”
I simply reply, “I used to be them…”
Teaching has not all been triumph. As with anything in life, there is both feast and famine. The times of feast make us smile and remind us of the beauty and wonder that childhood and adolescence contains.
The famine though, is often heart wrenching and emotional. We are reminded of our teenage angst, our frustrations and the gripping fear of adult hood that held us captive as children.
You begin to care so much that your life takes on new purpose. Their triumphs become your joy, and their failures hurt you worse than it hurts them at times.
Standing in front of a tenth grade English class is a daunting enough task, it becomes even tougher at 1:30 on a warm Friday afternoon. To add on to my anxiety, I’ve been given instructions to administer their tests, a 23 question quiz on Perfect Progressive tense.
The first two periods of the day finished the quiz in well under their 30 minute time period. This last class, as I expected, would be no different. Except for one student.
Marquez is having a rough time. With two minutes left for the test, his paper is blank, his brow is furrowed and his palms are sweaty. I stare at him in a futile attempt to gauge what he is thinking. Suddenly, he picks up his pen and begins to write frantically. Scribbling answers all the way down the page in just enough time to beat the clock. He slithers out of his sit and propels his body to an upright position. He ambles up to my desk and nonchalantly lets his paper flutter to the pile. Wondering how the dreaming child with the sad eyes and unkempt hair in the first row is doing, I look at his paper. Each answer is the exact same, “I don’t no.”
I shake my head in disbelief and look up to see Marquez staring back at me. I wave my hand, beckoning him to come here. “You think she’ll understand, since I wasn’t here these last two days,” he asks?
I tell him that I don’t know and began to study his face, looking for some sort of dishonesty or an “I don’t care” attitude. I come back from my cerebral fishing expedition with nothing. Behind the baggy jeans, expensive shoes, and oversized basketball jersey is a young man who needs help, but it seems though his appearance, his vernacular, and customs are holding him back. He looks like a thug to some, talks like a rapper to most, and fights his peers as though his last breath depended on it. On the inside though, Marquez is simply scared.
I later hear him exclaim to a group of friends, “Ain’t no nigga gon’ catch me slippin’ in my cutlass cuz. On everything I love I’ll put two in a nigga.” His fellow students nod approvingly, with beaming smiles. I tell them to quiet down and get back to work.
Five minutes later a young lady who recently transferred from another school system (she had been expelled for fighting) creeps up behind Marquez as though they are children playing Cowboys and Indians. She makes a gun with her fingers and gently presses them to his temple in an almost inappropriate manner and says, “Bang nigga. You dead. Anybody can get got.”
I tell her to move away from Marquez and bring her seat closer to mine in an attempt to gain command of her rowdy group. The tactic restores order but the mentality still disturbs me. I can’t help but see a possibility of foreshadowing in the young lady’s actions and in Marquez’s cold and undisturbed response. While I’d like to chalk it up as youthful horseplay, the scene replaying itself in my head is simply chilling.
The concept of Social Learning Theory teaches us that children often form attitudes and beliefs based essentially on imitating their parents and authority figures. While many of these ideas are formulated during a child’s formative toddler years, one cannot ignore the adolescent stage and children’s impressionable nature in this period as one of intellectual development.
Substitute teaching a middle school class is probably one of the most tiring things anyone can do. Between the overactive bladders, hyperactivity, and general inquisitive nature of 11, 12, and 13 year olds, middle school teachers could most likely be seen as the Marines of the educational field. It is definitely intense.
I volunteered myself to sub for an 8th grade class at a suburban, predominately white middle school that had received a boom in the influx of black students over the past couple of years. While this shouldn’t be cause for alarm, at the end of my day subbing there I couldn’t help but think that there were certain elements fearful of this new wave of students.
“One in four of you will be victims of violence at some point in your life,” said the school counselor. She had taken over my class in a coffee driven, blonde haired, pancake makeup whirlwind. She was supposed to be giving them the lecture that she had given the other 7th grade classes.
She looked out over the bright faces of the class and asked, “Does anyone know what violence is?”
“Rape!”
“Homicide!”
“Fighting!”
“Domestic Violence!”
The MTV generation provided example after example flawlessly, which could be expected seeing as how they watch violence every day on their televisions and play violent characters on their XBOX 360’s and Playstations. “Violence is any kind of harmful physical contact that you don’t invite. This is why football isn’t violent,” says the counselor.
Her asinine statements make me smile. “Football’s not violent because you have a reasonable expectation to get hit,” I ask myself as she goes into the finer points of teaching the students the politics of victimization? I listen to the lecture and watch the kids drift off to the dull monotony of her voice like so many reruns of Ferris Bueller. Something she said snapped me out of my trance though.
“There are some people who are in the school, many are new transfers who tend to solve their problems with violence. You don’t want to be like those people,” said the counselor.
Those people? I can’t help but imagine that she was talking about the scores of black faces that I saw in the hallway that were new residents of the area. They stuck out like sore thumbs with their Rocawear t-shirts and baggy Girbaud jeans against a backdrop of Ralph Lauren, Abercrombie & Fitch, and Clarks wallabee shoes.
The hairs on the back of my neck stood up as she began to give the children a crash course in how to successfully perform gentrification. She drew a makeshift house on the board. “Let’s say this is a house in Clay-Chalkville, and it’s on the market for $150,000,” said the counselor. The children “ooh” and “ahh” in wonder because at twelve, $150,000 could possibly be all the money in the world.
“Every time you get in a fight and every time one of these people does something bad, it damages our neighborhood reputation and it drops our property values. After a while people won’t want their kids to come to Clay-Chalkville Middle School and this $150,000 will only be able to sell for about $80,000 because some people come to your school and don’t know how to act,” lectured the counselor.
I could feel the muscles in my face flex and tighten as I tried my hardest to maintain an air of professionalism in the face of such blatant disdain for people like me, people who came from the places I once played, people who moved to this side of town for a chance at a better life.
I stood up with all of the determination I could muster at this point. My eyes were narrowed into two menacing slits; my nostrils flared like a bull ready to charge and gore the taunting matador. An entire rant was formulating in my head about racism, gentrification, gerrymandering, the 60’s, Jim Crow, and the fact that black history month was coming soon. I was ready. I was a warrior. The spirit of Huey P. Newton possessed me and made old Negro spirituals run through my veins. I opened my mouth wide.
And said nothing…
If I had never been aware of the fact that I was a black man before, I most certainly was now. If I was never made aware of my place on the educational totem pole before, I most definitely knew my place now. At the bottom.
I am a substitute teacher. I am black. I am male. I am a rarity. Some may think I take my job too seriously, I say maybe they don’t take my job as serious as they should.
--Chad A. Hullett
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
Link to the podcast!
Here's a link to the Podcast!
http://www.mediafire.com/?dny0m5n1xyt
The topic of this one is the dreaded "N-Word"
Seriously, what is the purpose of burying it or banning it if EVERYTHING else in Black America is falling apart?
I'll try to have the one on Dogfighting and Michael Vick up later....Any suggestions for future topics?
http://www.mediafire.com/?dny0m5n1xyt
The topic of this one is the dreaded "N-Word"
Seriously, what is the purpose of burying it or banning it if EVERYTHING else in Black America is falling apart?
I'll try to have the one on Dogfighting and Michael Vick up later....Any suggestions for future topics?
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
What Type of Seed Will You Be? (My Testimony...)
I've been M.I.A. for quite a while...I know it's bothered some people. Some it has caused concern. If I worried you, I apologize. However, know that God has been moving in my life in an awesome way and I would like to share it with as many people as I possibly can...
On Friday, May 26th my oldest Brother Cedric passed away...needless to say, it was very unsettling to me. His funeral was Saturday, June 2nd. At the request of a very close friend of mine, I went to church that next day. I had not been to church voluntarily in over a year. In the midst of my pain, anger, and frustration I agreed.
On Sunday, June 3rd, 2007 I turned my life over to Christ. I got saved. I knelt on my knees and fell on my face and asked God to take over my life, order my steps, and remove all the pain, frustration, anger, disappointment, reluctance, and unfaithfulness that had taken over my mind and soul. I prayed that He would make me a vessel through which others could see His glory and power. Ever since that day....He has been faithful. I have been....trying really hard. (LOL!)
This is probably strange and foreign to some of you reading this. You're used to me writing about Black Nationalism, activism, poetry, or some other random thing on my mind. Well, this is no different. I'm writing about my passions. My passion (not to sound cliche') has become Christ.
It's funny though, I never thought I could be saved and be "cool" so to speak. True enough, dedicating your life to walking the "straight and narrow" is no easy task. It is the HARDEST thing I will ever do and have begun to do. However, it is comforting to know that I can still be the same crazy, joking fun loving person I have always been and still be dedicated to Him and His word.
Well, recently God revealed something to me and I had to share it with the world...hence, it being posted on the World Wide Web.
While reading the book of Mark, I came across the Parable of The Sower. A Story I had read many times before, I just had not truly looked into it. Well, God gave me a certain revelation about myself in relation to it and I'm sure there are others who can relate as well.
Mark 4:1-9 (KJV)
1 Again Jesus began to teach by the lake. The crowd that gathered around him was so large that he got into a boat and sat in it out on the lake, while all the people were along the shore at the water's edge.
2 He taught them many things by parables, and in his teaching said:
3 "Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed.
4 As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up.
5 Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow.
6 But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root.
7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain.
8 Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, multiplying thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times."
9 Then Jesus said, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear."
Further on in the 4th chapter of Mark up to Verse 20, Jesus tells His disciples that this parable is about how the Gospel will be accepted among man. However, for those struggling in their faith or those lost in their faith it may serve as a point of reference to their own lives. It may say to them, "God knows what I'm going through." So I ask you today to make a decision. What type of seed will you be?
Jesus spoke of 4 types of seeds....and I have been the first 3. I am determined and prayerful to not regress in my walk with Him back to one of those types...
Seed Type 1:
This type of seed is described in verse 4, "some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up." This type of person is one who lives life as if there is no God. You may know God is there, yet you do not acknowledge Him. He is but a mere afterthought or a passing fancy. Some would even go so far as to say He does not exist.
Now, I never went to the point of saying he doesn't exist, but I have led a life without God. When you live a life without Him, you are completely at the mercy of the World. You have no direction and your life is merely yours. That being said, if you think you can make it without Him, I'm living proof that you can't.
During my period of God-less living, I had more trials and tribulations than I care to remember. I had death, sickness, financial troubles, and pain all around me. I always said to myself, "It's just tough times, everybody goes through them. I can make it out. " I did...sometimes. Other times, I didn't. When I did make it out, I can't say that I made it out unscathed. Many people who know me, met me during this time. Yeah, I'm a preacher's kid in every sense of the stereotype. (I won't say "the phrase" in this instance) I must admit that while I thought my problems were typical and my life was fine without God, in my spiritual growth I'm realizing that my problems were often caused because I was seeking something (acceptance, pleasure, approval, etc.) and I did them in worldly and often FOOLISH ways because I did not know God. I am grateful that I know Him now, but I wish so badly I would have known Him then. I would have been saved quite a bit of trouble and pain.
Seed Type 2:
Seed Type 2 is talked about in verses 5 and 6. It states, "Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root." This is essentially what we commonly call, "the backslider." Yup, I've been that too.
Have you ever been desiring to know God and you didn't feel like you were worthy? Have you ever been to church or heard the Word of God or maybe just felt the words of a song that made you want to have a personal relationship with Him? I'm sure you have. So you went to church right? You confessed your sins, sang the hymns, paid a few tithes and/or offerings and then went outside and listened to your Kirk Franklin cd until you got home. The next few days, weeks, or months (in some cases like mine, hours) you were ON FIRE for Jesus. You sang "Send Down the Rain " in the shower. You were jogging and singing "Order My Steps." You saw a beautiful woman (or man for the ladies) in something flattering to their figure and you said out loud, "Satan, get thee behind me!" Then you got home and saw a bill marked "Past Due", then a bill collector called about your student loans, then your boys or your homegirl calls and asks you to get drunk/high/a combination of the two, you immediately forget all about your "On Fire" for Jesus mindframe and began to live a worldly life again, because you subconsciously believe prayer and faithfulness has failed you.
I've been there. God never said that following Him was easy. It is , however, easy to follow the world. We all know it's easier to be a sheep than a shepherd. You don't have to worry about anything in action or thought as a sheep because the shepherd often thinks for you and tells you what to think. That's how it is in the earthly sense. In God's sense, we are a part of His flock and He wants you to bring those problems to him. He doesn't want you to go back to the worldly ways that you let go off for that period of time as a release or an escape from problems. For all intents and purposes, JESUS should be that release. He is our own personal "beast of burden" so to speak. Just a bull or oxen is tied to a yoke and carries the plow, Jesus wants to be yoked to us and help us plow through the field of trials and tribulations that may make their way into our life. We cannot allow ourselves to get discouraged in tough times. In all actuality, the trying times are there to strengthen our faith, not to destroy it.
Seed Type 3:
Seed 3 is probably the most prevalent seed. Verse 7 says, "Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. " This is especially close to my heart, because I've had to deal with it.
When you have acquired new found faith and you are truly 100% sold to the concept of serving God, living your life for Him, and basking in the glory and forgiveness that He has provided through his son Jesus there are things that come against you. You will begin to notice some of the things within yourself that are a hindrance to you in your growth in Christ Jesus. These hindrances, or thorns, manifest themselves in a few different ways...the ones I have had to deal with are people, vices, and spirits. Keep in mind, this is what I have had to pray about. We must each pray that the Lord delivers us from WHATEVER has hindered us or will hinder us in our relationship with Him.
In people form, I have had to deal with my own struggles. I had negative/toxic people in my life that I've had to let go and pray for. I've had people that I disliked for some reason or another be a hindrance to me. (Sidenote: The word says that you MUST forgive others of their sins if you are to receive forgiveness for your own.) I've had people who just don't understand Jesus or live a God-less life try to be a bad influence. While we are to definitely love our neighbors as we love ourselves, for that is the greatest commandment of all, we cannot allow ourselves to go to hell because of them. Giving your life to Christ is like a marriage. You must CHOOSE to be with Him. He'll get your attention, but He is a gentleman...He will not force you. Often times we hear in weddings, "What GOD has brought together, let no MAN put asunder." Well, if a MAN or woMAN is keeping you from a relationship with God....you MUST let it go.
We all have vices. Vices are things of the flesh or of the world that we enjoy that are not pleasing to God. We've got to let those go too. I know my vices. I'm not gonna spell them out for ya, but know that I have them and they are not easy things to let go. When you give up the world to follow Jesus, you are essentially becoming His disciple. His disciples gave up all of their worldly possessions to follow Him. They gave up jobs, family, and lifestyles to be a servant of the Most High. When Jesus called Levi, better known as Matthew, he was a tax collector. Which, at that time was a VERY lucrative position. Now, if Peter, Andrew, James, and John can walk away from their positions as fishermen to become "Fishers of Men" who are we to allow something detrimental to us stand in our way. Why should we let lust, alcoholism, smoking, anger, pride, hatred, or anything else stand in our path? If we truly want to know God, we must pray that he removes these detrimental activities, spirits, and feelings from our lives. I know he's delivered me from some...
Last, but definitely not least, are spirits. Spirits scare people. They conjure up images of ghosts, goblins, and movies about the "undead." Spirits are real. If we believe in God, if we believe in Jesus, then we must also believe in the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is our counselor and comforter. In convicts us when we are wrong and also blesses our spirit when we are right. Now, if we believe in the Trinity, we must also believe in negative spirits. Why? Because they exist according to the life of Jesus. In Matthew 8:16, we are told the story of demons casting a number of demons into a herd of pigs. These demons/spirits had possessed a man and made him do many things that a sane person wouldn't do. Sometimes we are affected by different spirits and don't even know it. Spirits can cause us to have vices. The reason I have separated them is because we often think of vices as tangible things we do and spirits as things we do not see and often don't think about. They exist and we must pray for God to deliver us from any spirit that is not of Him or for the benefit of His Kingdom.
Seed Type 4:
"Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, multiplying thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times."
This is the seed that we should strive to be. This is the seed I am trying to be. I often ran from the possibility of giving my life over to God because I thought I wasn't worthy, or I thought he didn't care, or I was afraid of any sort of responsibility he may place on me. I couldn't have been further from the truth.
God KNEW I wasn't worthy, He just wanted me to admit it and admit that I need His help to make it . He wanted me to kneel down and confess my sins and ask for forgiveness. I then prayed for His Son Jesus to come into my heart and make me whole again so that I may be a better man and a servant of Him. I wanted to live my life (that he gave me) according to His Will. Ever since then, I have been a better man and a better Christian.
God Cares even when we're too blind or stupid to know it. We often ask God, "Why Me?" when bad things happen to us. Sometimes we don't see how WE caused those bad things and are trying to blame God for it. We don't acknowledge all that God has shielded us from in our own unbelief or disobedience. We often ignore the blessings that God has given us to focus on the bad things that we have brought on ourselves or the devil has brought in our lives. We must be faithful and diligent to, as Cee-Lo put is, humbly hear God when He's speaking. He cares about YOU more than YOU could ever imagine. He's protected and provided for YOU when you didn't deserve it. It hurts Him when YOU sin. He sent HIS ONLY SON to die for YOUR sins. If that's not love....I don't know what is.
I admit....I'm still afraid of what I will do if he shoulders me with any sort of responsibility, but I'm praying about it. It's not a reason to not seek His face is what I had to realize. I learned that He doesn't do things on accident. He does everything in good and perfect order and you won't be given anything or blessed with anything not one millisecond before HE is ready for you to have it.
What much of this boils down to is faith...
God knows that new converts or rededicated Christians are still growing in their faith. He shows us this through a statement Jesus made. Matthew 17:20 says, "And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you."
Unbelief in Greek means, "little faith." Jesus scolded the disciples for having faith smaller than a mustard seed. A mustard seed is but a little bit larger than the period on the computer screen you're reading this from, but it grows into one of the largest plants in a field.
Think about it, if the disciples were with Jesus EVERY DAY, and they didn't believe (at least fully until after the resurrection) we aren't expected to have this mass outpouring of faith overnight. Our faith must be planted by asking Jesus to come into our hearts, nurtured by studying the word, watered by shepherds sent by Him, and it will grow according to our faithfulness and acknowledgment of Him in our lives.
In a little over two months mine has grown EXPONENTIALLY. It's almost scary....LOL!
So, I want to ask you again. What kind of seed will you be?
Pray for me and my Strength in The Lord. God Bless.
On Friday, May 26th my oldest Brother Cedric passed away...needless to say, it was very unsettling to me. His funeral was Saturday, June 2nd. At the request of a very close friend of mine, I went to church that next day. I had not been to church voluntarily in over a year. In the midst of my pain, anger, and frustration I agreed.
On Sunday, June 3rd, 2007 I turned my life over to Christ. I got saved. I knelt on my knees and fell on my face and asked God to take over my life, order my steps, and remove all the pain, frustration, anger, disappointment, reluctance, and unfaithfulness that had taken over my mind and soul. I prayed that He would make me a vessel through which others could see His glory and power. Ever since that day....He has been faithful. I have been....trying really hard. (LOL!)
This is probably strange and foreign to some of you reading this. You're used to me writing about Black Nationalism, activism, poetry, or some other random thing on my mind. Well, this is no different. I'm writing about my passions. My passion (not to sound cliche') has become Christ.
It's funny though, I never thought I could be saved and be "cool" so to speak. True enough, dedicating your life to walking the "straight and narrow" is no easy task. It is the HARDEST thing I will ever do and have begun to do. However, it is comforting to know that I can still be the same crazy, joking fun loving person I have always been and still be dedicated to Him and His word.
Well, recently God revealed something to me and I had to share it with the world...hence, it being posted on the World Wide Web.
While reading the book of Mark, I came across the Parable of The Sower. A Story I had read many times before, I just had not truly looked into it. Well, God gave me a certain revelation about myself in relation to it and I'm sure there are others who can relate as well.
Mark 4:1-9 (KJV)
1 Again Jesus began to teach by the lake. The crowd that gathered around him was so large that he got into a boat and sat in it out on the lake, while all the people were along the shore at the water's edge.
2 He taught them many things by parables, and in his teaching said:
3 "Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed.
4 As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up.
5 Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow.
6 But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root.
7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain.
8 Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, multiplying thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times."
9 Then Jesus said, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear."
Further on in the 4th chapter of Mark up to Verse 20, Jesus tells His disciples that this parable is about how the Gospel will be accepted among man. However, for those struggling in their faith or those lost in their faith it may serve as a point of reference to their own lives. It may say to them, "God knows what I'm going through." So I ask you today to make a decision. What type of seed will you be?
Jesus spoke of 4 types of seeds....and I have been the first 3. I am determined and prayerful to not regress in my walk with Him back to one of those types...
Seed Type 1:
This type of seed is described in verse 4, "some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up." This type of person is one who lives life as if there is no God. You may know God is there, yet you do not acknowledge Him. He is but a mere afterthought or a passing fancy. Some would even go so far as to say He does not exist.
Now, I never went to the point of saying he doesn't exist, but I have led a life without God. When you live a life without Him, you are completely at the mercy of the World. You have no direction and your life is merely yours. That being said, if you think you can make it without Him, I'm living proof that you can't.
During my period of God-less living, I had more trials and tribulations than I care to remember. I had death, sickness, financial troubles, and pain all around me. I always said to myself, "It's just tough times, everybody goes through them. I can make it out. " I did...sometimes. Other times, I didn't. When I did make it out, I can't say that I made it out unscathed. Many people who know me, met me during this time. Yeah, I'm a preacher's kid in every sense of the stereotype. (I won't say "the phrase" in this instance) I must admit that while I thought my problems were typical and my life was fine without God, in my spiritual growth I'm realizing that my problems were often caused because I was seeking something (acceptance, pleasure, approval, etc.) and I did them in worldly and often FOOLISH ways because I did not know God. I am grateful that I know Him now, but I wish so badly I would have known Him then. I would have been saved quite a bit of trouble and pain.
Seed Type 2:
Seed Type 2 is talked about in verses 5 and 6. It states, "Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root." This is essentially what we commonly call, "the backslider." Yup, I've been that too.
Have you ever been desiring to know God and you didn't feel like you were worthy? Have you ever been to church or heard the Word of God or maybe just felt the words of a song that made you want to have a personal relationship with Him? I'm sure you have. So you went to church right? You confessed your sins, sang the hymns, paid a few tithes and/or offerings and then went outside and listened to your Kirk Franklin cd until you got home. The next few days, weeks, or months (in some cases like mine, hours) you were ON FIRE for Jesus. You sang "Send Down the Rain " in the shower. You were jogging and singing "Order My Steps." You saw a beautiful woman (or man for the ladies) in something flattering to their figure and you said out loud, "Satan, get thee behind me!" Then you got home and saw a bill marked "Past Due", then a bill collector called about your student loans, then your boys or your homegirl calls and asks you to get drunk/high/a combination of the two, you immediately forget all about your "On Fire" for Jesus mindframe and began to live a worldly life again, because you subconsciously believe prayer and faithfulness has failed you.
I've been there. God never said that following Him was easy. It is , however, easy to follow the world. We all know it's easier to be a sheep than a shepherd. You don't have to worry about anything in action or thought as a sheep because the shepherd often thinks for you and tells you what to think. That's how it is in the earthly sense. In God's sense, we are a part of His flock and He wants you to bring those problems to him. He doesn't want you to go back to the worldly ways that you let go off for that period of time as a release or an escape from problems. For all intents and purposes, JESUS should be that release. He is our own personal "beast of burden" so to speak. Just a bull or oxen is tied to a yoke and carries the plow, Jesus wants to be yoked to us and help us plow through the field of trials and tribulations that may make their way into our life. We cannot allow ourselves to get discouraged in tough times. In all actuality, the trying times are there to strengthen our faith, not to destroy it.
Seed Type 3:
Seed 3 is probably the most prevalent seed. Verse 7 says, "Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. " This is especially close to my heart, because I've had to deal with it.
When you have acquired new found faith and you are truly 100% sold to the concept of serving God, living your life for Him, and basking in the glory and forgiveness that He has provided through his son Jesus there are things that come against you. You will begin to notice some of the things within yourself that are a hindrance to you in your growth in Christ Jesus. These hindrances, or thorns, manifest themselves in a few different ways...the ones I have had to deal with are people, vices, and spirits. Keep in mind, this is what I have had to pray about. We must each pray that the Lord delivers us from WHATEVER has hindered us or will hinder us in our relationship with Him.
In people form, I have had to deal with my own struggles. I had negative/toxic people in my life that I've had to let go and pray for. I've had people that I disliked for some reason or another be a hindrance to me. (Sidenote: The word says that you MUST forgive others of their sins if you are to receive forgiveness for your own.) I've had people who just don't understand Jesus or live a God-less life try to be a bad influence. While we are to definitely love our neighbors as we love ourselves, for that is the greatest commandment of all, we cannot allow ourselves to go to hell because of them. Giving your life to Christ is like a marriage. You must CHOOSE to be with Him. He'll get your attention, but He is a gentleman...He will not force you. Often times we hear in weddings, "What GOD has brought together, let no MAN put asunder." Well, if a MAN or woMAN is keeping you from a relationship with God....you MUST let it go.
We all have vices. Vices are things of the flesh or of the world that we enjoy that are not pleasing to God. We've got to let those go too. I know my vices. I'm not gonna spell them out for ya, but know that I have them and they are not easy things to let go. When you give up the world to follow Jesus, you are essentially becoming His disciple. His disciples gave up all of their worldly possessions to follow Him. They gave up jobs, family, and lifestyles to be a servant of the Most High. When Jesus called Levi, better known as Matthew, he was a tax collector. Which, at that time was a VERY lucrative position. Now, if Peter, Andrew, James, and John can walk away from their positions as fishermen to become "Fishers of Men" who are we to allow something detrimental to us stand in our way. Why should we let lust, alcoholism, smoking, anger, pride, hatred, or anything else stand in our path? If we truly want to know God, we must pray that he removes these detrimental activities, spirits, and feelings from our lives. I know he's delivered me from some...
Last, but definitely not least, are spirits. Spirits scare people. They conjure up images of ghosts, goblins, and movies about the "undead." Spirits are real. If we believe in God, if we believe in Jesus, then we must also believe in the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is our counselor and comforter. In convicts us when we are wrong and also blesses our spirit when we are right. Now, if we believe in the Trinity, we must also believe in negative spirits. Why? Because they exist according to the life of Jesus. In Matthew 8:16, we are told the story of demons casting a number of demons into a herd of pigs. These demons/spirits had possessed a man and made him do many things that a sane person wouldn't do. Sometimes we are affected by different spirits and don't even know it. Spirits can cause us to have vices. The reason I have separated them is because we often think of vices as tangible things we do and spirits as things we do not see and often don't think about. They exist and we must pray for God to deliver us from any spirit that is not of Him or for the benefit of His Kingdom.
Seed Type 4:
"Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, multiplying thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times."
This is the seed that we should strive to be. This is the seed I am trying to be. I often ran from the possibility of giving my life over to God because I thought I wasn't worthy, or I thought he didn't care, or I was afraid of any sort of responsibility he may place on me. I couldn't have been further from the truth.
God KNEW I wasn't worthy, He just wanted me to admit it and admit that I need His help to make it . He wanted me to kneel down and confess my sins and ask for forgiveness. I then prayed for His Son Jesus to come into my heart and make me whole again so that I may be a better man and a servant of Him. I wanted to live my life (that he gave me) according to His Will. Ever since then, I have been a better man and a better Christian.
God Cares even when we're too blind or stupid to know it. We often ask God, "Why Me?" when bad things happen to us. Sometimes we don't see how WE caused those bad things and are trying to blame God for it. We don't acknowledge all that God has shielded us from in our own unbelief or disobedience. We often ignore the blessings that God has given us to focus on the bad things that we have brought on ourselves or the devil has brought in our lives. We must be faithful and diligent to, as Cee-Lo put is, humbly hear God when He's speaking. He cares about YOU more than YOU could ever imagine. He's protected and provided for YOU when you didn't deserve it. It hurts Him when YOU sin. He sent HIS ONLY SON to die for YOUR sins. If that's not love....I don't know what is.
I admit....I'm still afraid of what I will do if he shoulders me with any sort of responsibility, but I'm praying about it. It's not a reason to not seek His face is what I had to realize. I learned that He doesn't do things on accident. He does everything in good and perfect order and you won't be given anything or blessed with anything not one millisecond before HE is ready for you to have it.
What much of this boils down to is faith...
God knows that new converts or rededicated Christians are still growing in their faith. He shows us this through a statement Jesus made. Matthew 17:20 says, "And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you."
Unbelief in Greek means, "little faith." Jesus scolded the disciples for having faith smaller than a mustard seed. A mustard seed is but a little bit larger than the period on the computer screen you're reading this from, but it grows into one of the largest plants in a field.
Think about it, if the disciples were with Jesus EVERY DAY, and they didn't believe (at least fully until after the resurrection) we aren't expected to have this mass outpouring of faith overnight. Our faith must be planted by asking Jesus to come into our hearts, nurtured by studying the word, watered by shepherds sent by Him, and it will grow according to our faithfulness and acknowledgment of Him in our lives.
In a little over two months mine has grown EXPONENTIALLY. It's almost scary....LOL!
So, I want to ask you again. What kind of seed will you be?
Pray for me and my Strength in The Lord. God Bless.
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