All The Lonely People....

"...Blank stares like nobody care
In a room so exclusive nobody there
But really, truth is that nobody there
Cuz it's feelings inside that nobody share
I want God to smile on me
But see, fame is a drug and you wild on E
Celebrities decorated like Christmas trees
God complex like they want a Christmas Eve
Sing a song to yourself and you stand alone
Get nominated for a gold gramophone...

All the lonely people, where do they all come from?
All the lonely people, where do they all belong?
I look at all the lonely people (I look at all the
lonely people)
I look at all the lonely people (yeah)

-Talib Kweli and Michelle Williams "Lonely People" (They used a HELLUVA Beatles sample for this.)


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So, last night I went out for the first time in a long time. All the "beautiful people" were out and about rubbing elbows, shaking hands, and pretending to enjoy each others company. (I say pretending because you could see that certain people were uncomfortable with their "sometime friend" standing next to them.)

I knew the event would be something of such a nature though. It's always like that when you're around the "beautiful people". Me...I don't fashion myself one of the "beautiful people." I don't really have the time, patience, wardrobe, or desire to be. Yeah I take care of myself but being one of the "beautiful people" is a full-time job.

You have to make sure you are seen at the "right" places. You have to wear the "right" clothes. You have to have the "right" amount of individuality with those clothes. You have to make sure that the latest trend in BananaRepublicGapAmericanEagleAbercrombie&FitchExpress(for men AND women)EddieBauerLuckyBebe[Insert clothing label here] is in your closet. You can't have an off-day. You have to be sure and look down your nose at those who are inferior. You have to be disrespectful of certain people that you don't get along with for one reason or another. You have to stand around and look sophisticated while having a conversation that ranks at about a 7th grade level. You have to be greek sometimes. [Not just greek, but SOOPER greek] Occasionally you will be called upon to have a complete thought, expressed in a complete sentence; but you must REFUSE to expound upon anything because people will stop listening. You must enjoy the sound bite. You must listen to music that you honestly don't like because it's what all the "Grown and Sexy" people are listening to even though you have something ultimately musically inferior in your CD Pla...oops, I mean iPod.

Yeah, being one of the "beautiful people" is a TOUGH job.

I've always had a problem reconciling my materialism with my intellectualism. I like to dress fly. I like to have my own style and embrace the VERY OCCASIONAL trend. (That whole sexually androgenous metrosexual thing wasn't my style...) It's like, I wanna be fly and well dressed and all that, but I want to be conscious, a revolutionary, and an unpretentious intellectual. They are, at times, diametrically opposed.

So, how am I supposed to be both? How can I reconcile myself to a certain level of bourgeois thought while being ADAMANTLY anti-bourgeois. Hmmm....I guess I'll find out one way or another. One of my biggest fears about my intellectual growth and development is that I'll wake up one day and be EVERYTHING I hate...I will have given up my beliefs and slowly allowed certain things to become kosher in the name of success and/or friendship....

Sucks...I know.

In Between The Chapters...

I've realized that there are certain essentials in my life that I am missing...

No longer have I neglected my relationship with God. Though I am best described as the prodigal son, I know now that I am warm and welcome in his arms. As a good father does, he chastizes me from time to time...

As a writer though. I am missing a few things...

One of them is a muse...

I've often stated, "I don't like to write love poems," or, "Love poems don't pay the bills." That's still true. I don't like to write them unless ultimately and divinely inspired. I have actually avoided writing about my love life in my book...I'm not talking about that kind of muse though...

I've realized that an artists work is often determined by his/her surroundings and that a muse may simply be whatever MOVES them...

I want to write about more than my experiences as a teacher. I want to write about more than being a pariah. I want to write about more than just pain, pride, and prejudice. (No cliches intended) I want to simply...write...

All I can do is write...

Writing is my ultimate survival skill...

I have FINALLY realized that a writers TRUE sanity lies IN BETWEEN the chapters as opposed to that which the entire text is drawn from...

Where do you go when you have nowhere to be? (The essential, internal, intellectual question of ALL writers...from Hemingway to *ugh* Zane)