Ramblings in Frustration

"Butterflies begin from having been another
As a child is born from being in a mother's womb
But how many times have you wished you were some other
someone than who you are
Yet who's to say if all were uncovered
You will like what you see
You can only be you
As I can only be me

Flowers cannot bloom until it is their season
As we would not be here unless it was our destiny
But how many times have you wished to be in spaces
Time places than what you were
Yet who's to say with unfamiliar faces You could anymore be
Loving you that you see
You can only be you
As I can only be
Me

I can only be me"

--Stevie Wonder


I've always loved that song.

Saturday night after an "interesting" dinner and standing outside for a while trying to put a bag over my freshly broken window...that's a story for another time. I sat at this new lounge in Birmingham called "Steel" and contemplated the drastic 180 my life has taken over the past month and a half or so.

I'm not gonna sit here and spout off a list of problems here, that's not the point. I just wanted to get a few things off my chest.

Closing My Circle

I'm finding my circle of interaction closing rapidly. As I've been going through my trying times, I've reached out to certain people only to be sent to voicemail and treated as a veritable leper. I understand that people have things that they go through. True enough. However, more often than not I don't want to call and talk about that. I may mention how frustrating it is to find a job right now, but I really want to talk about music and poetry. If you're busy, I understand. I think I at least deserve the decency of a call back after a few hours, even the next day. Really. Sometimes I just want to talk and laugh to take my mind off the situation.

There are people in my life who make me smile. I hope I do the same for them from time to time. That's why I reach out to them, because in our trying times we can make each other laugh through the frowns and smile through the tears.

I've also been closing my circle for another reason. I'm finding out about entirely too many people who are supposed to be "holding me down" actually bringing me down. I got stories for days and proof for weeks....

Prayer...

I haven't prayed in a very long time. I've often felt ashamed to kneel before Him. Not because I'm embarrassed to pray in front of others or ashamed to be a Christian. I'm more ashamed of myself than anything. I don't feel worthy to stand in His presence and ask for forgiveness. I am embarrassed because I know better than my actions would lead Him to believe. I am ashamed of some of the things I do, say, and think.

I hear all the time, "Well, that's the beauty of God's forgiveness. He knows that you are imperfect and He wants you to lean on Him." That doesn't help my shame. I have the biggest trouble forgiving myself. It's kind of like that line from Nina Simone's song, "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood"

"Sometimes I find myself alone regretting, some little foolish thing, some simple thing that I have done..."

I love that song too...In fact, I feel as though it's my theme song (Check out the John Legend version)

Anyway, I'm afraid of God's reproach...although I'm probably experiencing it now. My definition of "God Fearing" is probably different from 90% of the Christian population's, I fear God in the same way that Adam and Eve feared Him when they first came to the realization that they were naked...

That's the only way I can describe it.

My Love Life...

I give up on this love thing. I've been chewed up and spit out and ground into the dust...

Love sucks...I'm running from it.


Peace ya'll

SE7EN