Putting my business out there....ALL OF IT

"There are people I know who won't hurt me, I call them corpses"
Randy K. Milholland, comedian

"When you really trust someone, you have to be okay with not understanding some things."
Real Live Preacher, from a ministerial website

"This be the realest _ _ _ _ I ever wrote"
Tupac Shakur
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I'm about to put it all out there. I maintain two blogs and write poetry because putting my feelings down makes me feel better about my own inconsistencies, logical fallacies, shortcomings, and any other way that you can say the word "flaws" in the english language. However, writing also gives me a reference point to see where I've grown from and where I'm headed.

I'm at the point of no return in my growth, which simply means I've gone past the halfway point to completion and it would be farther to head back to the beginning than it would be for me to finish growin into the person He wants me to become. So, in my grwoth, this writing thing helps me to continue my journey. So, I'm about to lay some things out for my benefit. Please, travel with me.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I have serious issues with abandonment and friendship. Well, over the past couple of months, those issues have been tested to their full limit. Now, I'm not one of those people who go around blaming their reluctance to love people on "trust issues". Let's get one thing clear, if you're over the age of 13 and you've dated ANYONE, you have trust issues. Just get over yourself. Stop using the phrase "trust issues" as a cover-up for your own inability and unwillingness to commit to someone. That's childish and it's not facing the true problem. But I digress, this post is about the tests that I've been facing.

I have a serious problem with giving people too much of myself. I'v cut back since I left Bama because if everyone has a part of you, no one ever knows the Whole you. I was tired of being pieces of a person for everyone. However, those that know the "whole me", so to speak, are often my trusted, time-tested, battle-worn confidants who I know, or at least thought I knew, would ride or die for me to the end.

Now, I've always trusted people to be themselves. Selfish. (Survival is the first law of humanity, so preservation of self is not necessarily a bad thing.) I don't mind that at all. However, when your survival (or comfort) causes you to risk tried and true friendships, then WE have a problem.

I recently had a "true friend" insult me to an infinite degree, thus ending what I thought was a great friendship. I was accused of trying something with this friend's girlfriend. Then, after telling my side of the story, this friend concluded that either me or the girlfrien was lying....

I know some of you are saying, that's understandable, right? Not in this situation. Would you believe the friend who's listened to you at 2 a.m. crying about your relationship? The friend who always offers you the honest truth? The one who holds you down in the presence of folks talking about you behind your back? The one who comes whenever you need them and offers you anything they have? Or would you rather believe the girlfriend who YOU SAY has always been selfish? The one who has lied to you before...repeatedly!?!?!?!? The one who has been a source of so much frustration and strife that you've made yourself sick over it? Think about it for a second.

Now think about how that real friend feels. Utterly insulted, degraded, and worthless. If the scale of friendship tilts in the favor of those who have no idea what true friendship is, then I good sir want no parts of this thing called friendship.

All in all, until this "girlfriend" is out of the picture we can't be friends. Because it's obvious that you hold her in much higher regard than those who truly respect and care about your well-being. So don't worry little homie. I'll be fine....I have friends who respect my honesty as much as you love hers.