This weekend....

So, this weekend I returned to Tuscaloosa for a short period of time. It
made me remember vividly why I hated being there to begin with.

That's not to say that Auburn is much better, because the same things I
hated about my time in Tuscaloosa are ever present here as well.

I made it to Tuscaloosa on Friday night, I stopped by the House of Alpha
and then made a cameo at the Delta's pajama party next door. I love DST,
I swear I do. (That's not to say that my feelings about BGLO's are any
different, I just find myself respecting the history, legacy, and
certain members of the org.) The problem is that, even though I got to
see my 2nd best female friend (Margaret), my favorite forensicator
(Ebony), my favorite TKN member, and my favorite Delta from Stillman, I
could only think of how unhappy I was.

I don't know if I thought things may have made a complete 180 since I
left, or I was hoping that maybe my frustration as it pertains to UA had
subsided with my recent location change, none the less I had slipped
back into the uncomfortable shoes of yesterday.

My senses were heightened. For some reason, I saw every funny look, I
felt every set of disdainful eyes, sensed the fakeness in every empty
handshake, found the disgust in every "courtesy" salutation, and the
hate in so many hugs. Why do I continue to love those who would rather
see me broken? Why do I continue to be friendly toward those who only
hold contempt for me in their hardened hearts? I do it because if I
didn't, I'd be the ultimate hypocrite. Most of all, I do it because I
used to be them.

I was once the person who disliked some because of my perception of them
as opposed to the truth. I've forgiven those who held/hold grudges
against me and refuse to hold one against them. While turnabout is fair
play, I live by a different set of rules. I live my life by a certain
set of principles that weren't always in place here. Many of my
principles are illustrated by various quotes. This particular principle
that I speak of comes from a quote by Booker T. Washington that states,
"I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate
him." Simply stated, no matter what happens, how I'm treated, or who's
wrath I may incur along the way, I refuse to hate the other party. Both
the God and the Good in me (which are essentially and unequivocally one
in the same) refuse to let me hate or even dislike anothe human being.
It actually pains me to be the object of such hatred as well.

I don't just hate UA for that reason though. I hate UA for a plethora of
reasons, I'll list them in more detail later. That's if I have enough
room. Right now we're still focused on the fakeness.

I find myself being more and more detached from people as a result of my
years at UA. I am a nice guy with a BIG heart. That combination doesn't
pay. After so many years of being taken advantage of and/or victimized,
both personally by individuals and en masse by the university itself and
the black community at times, I find myself becoming more selfish in my
personal and professional life. I am finding myself less willing to
speak on the betterment of the black community in public, I am less
willing to do favors for others sole benefit, and I am also less willing
to assume leadership roles in minority based communities. While I am
still the revolutionary minded rebel buffalo soldier, I find it hard to
function with a hole in my heart.

I once freestyled "my heart is my greatest tool/so the treasure is
vested." I'm finding the need to protect my heart more and more without
regard to anything. I am moving farther away from the guy who gives his
heart freely, and closer to the reserved/mildly bitter/angry black man
that I'm falling back into.

I don't really want to be that guy. I like the loving SE7EN, but I'm
finding him hard to hold onto.

I write
I spit
I learn
I teach
I fight
I struggle
I strive
I hope
I pray
I wish
I dream
But, above all this....
Like Erykah says....

Honey, I love.....
--SE7EN (sent from my sidekick)