Kick, Push, and Coast.....ramblings.....

My man got a lil older became a better roller (yea)
No helmet, hellbent on killin' himself,
was what his momma said
But he was feelin' himself
Got a lil more swagger in his style
Met his girlfriend, she was clappin' in the crowd
Love is what was happening to him now, uh
He said I would marry you but I'm engaged to these aerials and varials
And I don't think this board is strong enough to carry 2
She said !bow! I weigh 122 pounds, now
Lemme make one thing clear
I don't need to ride yours I got mine right here
So she took him to a spot
He didn't know about
Somewhere in the apartment parking lot, she saidI don't normally take dates in here
Security came and said "I'm sorry there's no skating here"

--Lupe Fiasco on "Kick Push" the first single from his upcoming LP Food and Liquor

I'm giving up on the female species. Don't get me wrong I still love women, but I really won't be just too interested in the whole "playing hard to get", chase and capture, dating game rigamarole. I've pretty much gotten the final word on my "relationship situation" so it's fairly safe to say that I'm drained....as hell.

I began to wonder last night whether or not I'd ever get marrried. Maybe because I'm my own worst critic, plus I like to bare the brunt of EVERYTHING when it comes to my personal life. So, as a result I find myself completely unforgiving of...well...myself. I don't necessarily know how to reconcile the fact that I'm human with the fact that I have certain standards that are considered EXTREMELY HIGH by some people. It's weird. It's part of the complex makeup of all things SE7EN. Let me explain this particular part.

I am a very perceptive person. I can probably tell you more about yourself after a 10 minute conversation than some of the friends you've had for years. I'm also hyperempathetic. I tend to take others pains, hurts, doubts, and fears and make them my own. It's very weird. I have a big heart. I'm a good person. I'll give you my last if I have it.

Everything that I just said about myself takes somewhat of a conscious effort on my part. All of these traits are natural parts of me that I work on a daily to cultivate, because if I don't I'll fall into the angry, arrogant, jerk of an intellectual smartass that I naturally am. I don't really like that guy. He wasn't very good for my image or my soul.

It's a SERIOUS internal battle. One that we all face, however soem are just less pronounced than others. Even still, some just choose to allow their personalities to be dictated by tohers, and as a result they don't have to worry about it. Whenever I do slip up and go back to the old SE7EN I tend not to forgive myself. That's with anything. I will punish myself for anything FOREVER. I can't help it. It's crazy. I'm still punishing myself for things I did five years ago...hell 10 in some cases. I don't really know how to forgive myself. It's weird that I wake up every morning and pray for forgiveness and I can't forgive myself.

Love....wow. I gotta kick, push, and coast away from it....probably forever.