This One's for My Teachers...

Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.

We, the unwilling,led by the unknowing,are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much,for so long,with so little,we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

-Mother Teresa


Have you ever watched a child learn?
No, seriously have you ever watched a child's eyes glow with the excitement of understanding or
seen them work harder and begin demanding
more from themselves than
you would EVER burden them with?
Have you ever seen the fire ignite in the heart of one who is JUST learning to read
one who finally sees that
words are more than something to be looked at with contempt but
rather passages that separate human beings from savages...

Have you ever stopped to question the anger behind the swagger?
Have you ever stood so close to someone who can smell fear and lies and
tried to dodge the daggers in their eyes when you tell them...
"Yes, you can be more than this..."
"No, this isn't the end for you..."
"You ARE better than these bastards would have you believe..."

Have you ever watched a 16 year old girl conceive self-esteem?
Have you ever watched a 17 year old boy give birth to a dream?
Have you seen the smile in the lines of the wrinkled foreheads of
children who have never before had the luxury forming an opinion...
They've always been told they're like assholes...
Been treated like prisoners because
classrooms have become cells for miseducated juvenile holding
BETMTVCLEARCHANNELRADIOONECOX molding
Labeled as "criminal" or "potential felon" just for wearing baggy clothing
Their counterculture showing NO SIGNS of folding
they simply want their crowns back...
Though it lies heavy...
Their necks are strong enough from minds being filled with lies...heavy...

I see them...walking...
Slumped over from carrying their own caskets...
They are my own personal Queequeg's...
Funny...because I am Ishmael...
We're not following Ahab...
Or chasing a white whale...
(Although success could be that elusive for them)
We're chasing a dream
together...

It's 3:41 a.m. (a.k.a.-Consciously Unconscious)

Spring forward...fall back...possibly flat on your hind parts...have you ever known failure to be anything more than the direct result of an overzealous moment of forward movement...i know failure intimately...falling deeper into a consciousness that never quite manifested itself during a period of alertness...falling deeper in love with...momentum...I breathe freely...I move...swiftly...I think...constantly...I progress...rarely...on the scale of preconceived life notions...

i have thought twice about trying to live my life fearlessly...fear sets boundaries...boundaries create comfort...have you ever worn too little shoes?
have your shoes ever been too big?
then you know what i am talking about...

i remember my first real kiss...i was twelve (?)...she was younger...it was passionate...real...unadulterated...purity...first taste of bliss...she's an adult now...i am jadedcynicalpessimistic...she's just as beautiful today as she was over a decade ago...i am much different now...can i go back?

night...club...what the hell did we join...to become a member...of this club...is it like amway...i want to get out...is there away i can denounce my member...ship...in the night...club...i need a t-shirt...at least...for selling myself...to buy in...to...this...night...club...

sleep is...the cousin of death...says Nas...death...is...the child of...letting go...the cousin too...exhaustion...the brother of...lethargy...will you be my friend...friends don't hurt each other...friends...protect...each other...right?

she called me somebody else's name...i did not even get mad...anger is a sign of insecurity...insecurity is a by...product...of self hatred...self hatred...comes from ignorance...ignorance comes from...refusal...refusal comes from...within...what do you refuse...

i had an evil thought...my con...science...told me i...shouldn't...think that...i think...my con...science...should...leave me alone...

Lie Me To Rest...

This piece was inspired by Gil Scott Heron's song "Home Is Where The Hatred Is" Here are the lyrics:

"I'm on my way home

I left three days ago, but noone seems to know i'm gone

Home is where the hatred is

Home is filled with pain and it,

might not be such a bad idea if i never,

never went home again

stand as far away from me as you can

and ask me why

hang on to your rosary beads

close your eyes to watch me die

you keep saying, kick it, quit it, kick it, quit it

God, but did you ever try

to turn your sick soul inside out

so that the world, so that the world can watch you die

home is where i live inside my white powder dreams

home was once an empty vacuum

that's filled now with my silent screams

home is where the needle marks

try to heal my broken heart

and it might not be such a bad idea if i never,

if i never went home again"

17 years old and thrust into a lion's den...no prayers offered to save me...no faith at the time to protect me...no God (or so I thought) to bless me...he wasn't really listening to my prayers...or was he?...prayers sounding like voice mail messages...Hey God...it's me...you know?...SE7EN?...Well, I was just wondering...umm...could you...help me pay these bills?...I mean its cool if you don't want to...I'm just saying...Hit me back when you get a chance...Peace...

something I never had until later...3 years of finding myself had me regressing...9 months of indecision had me stressing...5 and a half years turned to 6 and I'm asking where's the blessings?...that everybody else is getting...Instead I'm having my back pushed against the wall...in a delusional centrifuge...where real is recognized...but it makes enemies of fools...

i've stared deep into the eyes of lies...dying to be real again...dying to be better...but the weight keeps crushing him...let it go...bring it back...together...we'll make you the truth...if you want to realeyes what i see then its up to you...

oppressed...depressed...suppressed...hated...debated...excommunicated...left for dead...now i rise from the ashes...so just call me lazarus...though I could be a phoenix instead...i don't fly...much rather stay grounded...on my own two feet...plus I never got burned...too much like hell...I lived there anyway...

in a city known for a proud warrior chief...i had my heart destroyed...my integrity attacked...and my money shot down the toilet...friends became enemies...some say the chief left this city with a vanguard of men and riches from the spaniards...i left with a strong will...a new lease on life...and my self-respect taken back from niggers...(with the -er)

if the love of money is the root of all evil...does that make the love of self it's cousin...does that make the hatred of another it's brother...i'm just wondering...because i hate niggers that beat on their woman...i hate to see niggers that fight over nothing...i wonder how long it can last...hatred...disdain...dislike...whatever...it doesn't matter...i'll wait...

my last trip out of crimson city...i left bloodied and bruised...the red on the jerseys of the football team reminded my of rivers of blood running through the cotton fields of alabama...mississippi...arkansas...from then to now...niggers doing the work...white man reaping the profits...run...nigger...run...roll tide...

i wanted to be loved...i love to be wanted...to be cast away...brokenhearted...was never my intention...thank you...for making me...stronger...if i died now...i wouldn't change anything...bye queen...bye my friends...buy my university...here i die...as they lay me to rest...i'm sure they...will lie me to death...au revoir...

The Taste of Peanut Butter...

My newest poem...not a spoken word piece...


"Nothing quite takes the taste out of peanut butter like unrequited love"-Charles Schulz

Nothing but more is all I ask of you...Some say more is less...Yet I expect nothing but the best things from you...Knowing more than words and voices sing to you...I cling to you...In the hopes that maybe arms would reach out to catch me...

Reality slipping into comfortability...A life worth living...filled with years of fighting in futility...Maybe I don't even understand me...enough to fathom the concept of we...love begins with the greek word fraternate...in my limited understanding of things...

My Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches don't taste the same...lord knows I love them...Been eating them since I was a babe...Maybe its because you and peanut butter share the same skin tone and....thinking about you this way feels so wrong...yet I can't help but think I'm right...sometimes light has to peek out from behind a smile to let you know exactly how dark you've become...

I found myself in the "Lost" box in a country town with a University in it...I found my flaws in a city with a big football stadium...I found love in a forgotten apartment complex in a hidden city...I found you...somewhere in between it all...It's funny how I lost my mind and my heart in the same week because of two different women...One I know...One...I...want to...

I find myself waking up in the middle of the night...yearning to drive down the backroads and eat at EVERY restaurant in the middle of nowhere...let's not go there...the many laughs we shared...all but killed me once upon a time...mainly because I was already emotionally suicidal...and seeing you just made me want to...feel...for the first time...again...

My tastebuds have resumed their normal duties...my nostrils have shrunken back to their regular size...my heart has healed...my mind has changed...my legs are stronger...my arms are wider...my pride is intact...yet my soul is still in traction...

Nurse?I need a peanut butter sandwich...to take my pain away...