This weekend....

So, this weekend I returned to Tuscaloosa for a short period of time. It
made me remember vividly why I hated being there to begin with.

That's not to say that Auburn is much better, because the same things I
hated about my time in Tuscaloosa are ever present here as well.

I made it to Tuscaloosa on Friday night, I stopped by the House of Alpha
and then made a cameo at the Delta's pajama party next door. I love DST,
I swear I do. (That's not to say that my feelings about BGLO's are any
different, I just find myself respecting the history, legacy, and
certain members of the org.) The problem is that, even though I got to
see my 2nd best female friend (Margaret), my favorite forensicator
(Ebony), my favorite TKN member, and my favorite Delta from Stillman, I
could only think of how unhappy I was.

I don't know if I thought things may have made a complete 180 since I
left, or I was hoping that maybe my frustration as it pertains to UA had
subsided with my recent location change, none the less I had slipped
back into the uncomfortable shoes of yesterday.

My senses were heightened. For some reason, I saw every funny look, I
felt every set of disdainful eyes, sensed the fakeness in every empty
handshake, found the disgust in every "courtesy" salutation, and the
hate in so many hugs. Why do I continue to love those who would rather
see me broken? Why do I continue to be friendly toward those who only
hold contempt for me in their hardened hearts? I do it because if I
didn't, I'd be the ultimate hypocrite. Most of all, I do it because I
used to be them.

I was once the person who disliked some because of my perception of them
as opposed to the truth. I've forgiven those who held/hold grudges
against me and refuse to hold one against them. While turnabout is fair
play, I live by a different set of rules. I live my life by a certain
set of principles that weren't always in place here. Many of my
principles are illustrated by various quotes. This particular principle
that I speak of comes from a quote by Booker T. Washington that states,
"I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate
him." Simply stated, no matter what happens, how I'm treated, or who's
wrath I may incur along the way, I refuse to hate the other party. Both
the God and the Good in me (which are essentially and unequivocally one
in the same) refuse to let me hate or even dislike anothe human being.
It actually pains me to be the object of such hatred as well.

I don't just hate UA for that reason though. I hate UA for a plethora of
reasons, I'll list them in more detail later. That's if I have enough
room. Right now we're still focused on the fakeness.

I find myself being more and more detached from people as a result of my
years at UA. I am a nice guy with a BIG heart. That combination doesn't
pay. After so many years of being taken advantage of and/or victimized,
both personally by individuals and en masse by the university itself and
the black community at times, I find myself becoming more selfish in my
personal and professional life. I am finding myself less willing to
speak on the betterment of the black community in public, I am less
willing to do favors for others sole benefit, and I am also less willing
to assume leadership roles in minority based communities. While I am
still the revolutionary minded rebel buffalo soldier, I find it hard to
function with a hole in my heart.

I once freestyled "my heart is my greatest tool/so the treasure is
vested." I'm finding the need to protect my heart more and more without
regard to anything. I am moving farther away from the guy who gives his
heart freely, and closer to the reserved/mildly bitter/angry black man
that I'm falling back into.

I don't really want to be that guy. I like the loving SE7EN, but I'm
finding him hard to hold onto.

I write
I spit
I learn
I teach
I fight
I struggle
I strive
I hope
I pray
I wish
I dream
But, above all this....
Like Erykah says....

Honey, I love.....
--SE7EN (sent from my sidekick)

New Stuff

Ok, so I broke down and bought a Sidekick. On the one hand it put a
rather sizeable dent in my pocket, but on the other hand I can now post
random thoughts and ideas to my blog at will. Don't you just love
technology?

I'll be updating in a minute...I gotta tell you about my weekend.
--mightymouse1906

Not so sure....

They say "Dude think he righteous"
I write just to free minds, from Stoney to Rikers
Amongst the lifeless, in a world crazy as Mike is
On my paper, whether its weed or Isis
They say "life is a game," so I play hard
Writin for my life cause I'm scared of a day job
They say "Sef kept the hood together"
I tell the young, "We can't play the hood forever"
Play my cards right, they say I went too left
They showed me strange love, like I was Mr. F
Played chess in this game of, pawns and knights
Now I claim "King" like Don, or Frank White
They say my life is comparable to Christ's
The way I sacrificed, and resurrected, twice
They say "The crochet pants and the sweater was wack"
Seen "The Corner", now they say "That nigga's back," uh...

--Common on "They Say" from his LP Be

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result. Well, I may qualify for a room in Bellevue. I find myself expecting people to do better when I really shouldn't . If I was a more rational man, I'd probably take people's past into account. But, I'm not necessarily a rational man. I'm a man that lives and brethes by emotions. Love is what wakes me up in the morning and makes me sleep at night. Love for self. Love for others. Not in the eros sense, but love in the more cerebral sense of the word.

I know I'm rambling but I have to. It's kinda of a way for me to release frustration. Stream of consciousness is the most pure stream there is. No backyard creek or sparkling spring can compare with the purity of a stream of consciousness. Hold on, I got a couple of questions for ya'll.

Why do poets hate on each other?
Why do we feel the need to put each other into categories?
Why do college aged, somewhat educated women feel the need to show their asses?
Why do grown ass, college aged men, who are somewhat educated as well feel the need to dress like kids?
Why is it when you tell somebody you can rap, some random nigga (yes I said nigga) comes around trying to battle?
Why is it when you begin to lyrically devour his ass, he wants to get all physical?
Why are all of the REAL women found buried deep in a flock of fake ones?
Why are all of the REAL fellas hiding their realness?
Why has "keep it real" become so commercial?
Why do so many naturally pessimistic people use "keeping it real" logic to spread their pessimism?
Why are there more brothers in jail than in college?
Why aren't we MOVING to do anything about it?
Why NEW ORLEANS!?!?!?!?!?
Why do rappers insist on making songs about nothing?
Why do major labels and distributors continue giving money to simple ass rappers?
Why do we buy the crap?
Why I KNOW YOU SEE IT?
Why does love hurt?
Why does love scorn?
Why 80's rock?
Why (really though) does everyone have a different definition of love?
Why does hip-hop have to be so boring right now?
Why am I lost?
Why don't I want to be in Auburn anymore?
Why do I want to go to law school DESPERATELY?
Why do I need to be challenged?
Why do I feel like Birmingham is SO where I need to be?
Why do.....I love? So Much?

Kick, Push, and Coast.....ramblings.....

My man got a lil older became a better roller (yea)
No helmet, hellbent on killin' himself,
was what his momma said
But he was feelin' himself
Got a lil more swagger in his style
Met his girlfriend, she was clappin' in the crowd
Love is what was happening to him now, uh
He said I would marry you but I'm engaged to these aerials and varials
And I don't think this board is strong enough to carry 2
She said !bow! I weigh 122 pounds, now
Lemme make one thing clear
I don't need to ride yours I got mine right here
So she took him to a spot
He didn't know about
Somewhere in the apartment parking lot, she saidI don't normally take dates in here
Security came and said "I'm sorry there's no skating here"

--Lupe Fiasco on "Kick Push" the first single from his upcoming LP Food and Liquor

I'm giving up on the female species. Don't get me wrong I still love women, but I really won't be just too interested in the whole "playing hard to get", chase and capture, dating game rigamarole. I've pretty much gotten the final word on my "relationship situation" so it's fairly safe to say that I'm drained....as hell.

I began to wonder last night whether or not I'd ever get marrried. Maybe because I'm my own worst critic, plus I like to bare the brunt of EVERYTHING when it comes to my personal life. So, as a result I find myself completely unforgiving of...well...myself. I don't necessarily know how to reconcile the fact that I'm human with the fact that I have certain standards that are considered EXTREMELY HIGH by some people. It's weird. It's part of the complex makeup of all things SE7EN. Let me explain this particular part.

I am a very perceptive person. I can probably tell you more about yourself after a 10 minute conversation than some of the friends you've had for years. I'm also hyperempathetic. I tend to take others pains, hurts, doubts, and fears and make them my own. It's very weird. I have a big heart. I'm a good person. I'll give you my last if I have it.

Everything that I just said about myself takes somewhat of a conscious effort on my part. All of these traits are natural parts of me that I work on a daily to cultivate, because if I don't I'll fall into the angry, arrogant, jerk of an intellectual smartass that I naturally am. I don't really like that guy. He wasn't very good for my image or my soul.

It's a SERIOUS internal battle. One that we all face, however soem are just less pronounced than others. Even still, some just choose to allow their personalities to be dictated by tohers, and as a result they don't have to worry about it. Whenever I do slip up and go back to the old SE7EN I tend not to forgive myself. That's with anything. I will punish myself for anything FOREVER. I can't help it. It's crazy. I'm still punishing myself for things I did five years ago...hell 10 in some cases. I don't really know how to forgive myself. It's weird that I wake up every morning and pray for forgiveness and I can't forgive myself.

Love....wow. I gotta kick, push, and coast away from it....probably forever.

Do NOT Question God...Just Believe

In the part of this universe that we know there is great injustice, and often the good suffer, and often the wicked prosper, and one hardly knows which of those is the more annoying.

--Bertrand Russell

1 year ago around this time I was in the same situation. I was homeless, working, having car trouble, and woman trouble all at the same time. Finding yourself back in a situation that you thought was completely behind you is almost life-altering. It's is definitely growth restricting. However, this time it has been compounded by something vile and utterly unsettling.

Someone whom I love dearly has been hurt...

I have a HUMONGOUS heart, and when someone I love is hurt, it disables/cripples/destroys me. I'm finding myself sitting at this screen unable to focus. I want to make it right. I want somehow to make my friend get up out of that hospital bed and rewind time. Rewind time back to before everything happened to her and make it right again.

I'm pissed though. I'm pissed because the only person that could have hurt her in such a manner is probably sitting next to her right now. He's sweating, jittery. Looking for someone to shift te blame to. Looking for someone to pin this thing on. Pointing fingers, smiling nervously in a feeble attempt to be strong. In the face of jail time and ridicule, he's looking for a sacrificial lamb.

He called me. Asking me questions like he is an authority figure. Giving simple answers, even simpler smart comments. I'm pissed. He kinda tried me. Don't want to let my roots come out. Don't want to let my Ensley show. I left that shit behind....

Questions coming rapidly
"What you wanna do baby brother?"
"I don't wanna do nothing man, I just want to make sure she's ok."
"You know where that nigga at?"
"Yeah"
"Let's find him then."
"For what man? He ain't really got gully with me or anything. You know?"
"I just wanna see what that nigga knows. That's my girl too ya know?"
"Yeah, I dig. I'll be in Tuscaloosa in the morning."
"Aight....Peace Chad."
"Peace."

Breathing in ragged, heavy breaths. Walking with slow heavy steps. Violence flashes through my mind. Ideas of just swinging against whatever this demon is that has enslaved her for the moment. "Bring back my friend you bastard! Let her go!" I want to fight for her. I want the recesses of her mind to help her fight. I want her to be ok. Tears flow freely now. Why can't I cry? I can't believe this. Things like this shouldn't happen to people like that. Sometimes Life sucks. Other times...it's a dream. This is a nightmare. A burden none should have to bare sits on the back of one who's heart is big enough to care. I don't understand. My understanding is limited.

God please forgive us for our sins. Those committed knowingly and unknowingly. God, protect and keep my friend in her hour of need. Please God let your grace and mercy rain down on her right now and protect her. Bless her soul, heart and mind Father. Allow her to come through this unscathed Lord. Only you have the power to truly fix this. Man is limited in his technology and medicines. Only you can heal the broken mind and soul of my friend Lord. Save her. Make her whole again. Bring back that smile, that intelligence, that warmth that only you could have given her Lord. Bless her Father. Bless her sister right now. Father, give her sister the strength to make it through this God. She needs you now more than ever Father. Only you can fix this Lord. We come to you humbly Father. Prone. Face down asking that you bless her and bestow the fullest power of your grace and mercy upon her Lord. Please Lord. Please, just make her right again. Make her whole again. In JESUS name we pray. AMEN

Hip-Hop Revival

You ever noticed how music can completely change your mood? Change the way you talk, think, breathe, walk? I have.

I remember when I first fell in love with this lifestyle called hip-hop. It was a beautiful thing. I was about 12 years old. I borrowed a tape from one of the girls at my middle school. I rushed home and popped in my cassete player with the big ass headphones and sat on my bed. The cool southern drawl that oozed from the tiny speakers and into my psyche was life changing, mind numbing, and addictive all at the same time. The horns blared through the sides of my face and made my eyes glow. The voices of two of the coolest men on the planet, in my eyes, ran roughshod through the streets of my adolescent, troubled brain. I KNEW at that very moment, hip-hop was in my soul.

That first experience listening to Outkast's "Player's Ball" solidified what I already knew. There was a world outside of my two parent, turbulent household in a middle-class hood. I knew in my home, the rhetoric of the "Ghetto CNN" wouldn't be welcome. My parents didn't want me hearing about glocks, rocks, and hoes. Even though one glance out of my window would have shown me all of that. Bloods here, dope boys there, and a crackhead living across the street. I walked to the bus stop over needles, broken liquor bottles and used condoms thrown out of windows. Hip-Hop was my escape, my dream, my salvation.

I keep hearing a lot of chatter about hip-hop dying and it pains me...

The argument is that southern rap has oversimplified hip-hop to the point that it's nothing but dumb songs and "snap music". I don't believe that. Hip-hop has always had simplicity and complexity. It's always had songs about stupid stuff. (Come on guys, "Gin and Juice" is NOT a complex ass concept...I dare you to say it's not a classic) Hip-hop is universal. It's just as broad as the range of colors that tint the skin of the diaspora.

Hip-hop is not some king sitting on a throne dictating orders to people. Hip-hop is not some overly pretentious, bourgeois negro sneering down its nose at the impoverished. Hip-hop is the suburbs and the slums. It's just as much snap music as it is "The Purple Tape". It's beautiful in so many ways.

Hip-Hop is not dead...it's just sleep right now...
Rest brother....rest

Redux?

So, if you're reading this I probably directed you to it. This is going to be the entension of my blog for now for a couple of reasons.

1. I don't have a wireless connection at my job.
2. The files for my website aren't on my work computer.
3. I get bored at work and need to write.
4. Because I felt like it...

So, this is where the tracks from the wheels turning in my head will be presented while I'm at work.

Gimme a minute. I'll make you a believer.