Maybe I'll Be Back One Day...

I put my faith on ice because I didn’t have any dangling from my wrist or hanging from my neck/

The chains I savored were holding me back as my materialism slowly creeped into the recesses of my psyche in an attempt to lock me into a cycle of pain, poverty, and pleasure driven past times…like hustling

A hard day’s work is noble, but a hard day hustling gets you over/Keeps you floating/makes you vulnerable...

To the traps of life and black manhood/Police/Prison/and the pain of finding yourself in a situation you never wanted to be in or believe in...so you spend thousands of hours reminiscing on days gone by and innocence lost...grieving....

This is the path I've chosen/It seems as though even though I hold a college degree/D'Evils of my peer pressure influenced past consume me...forgive the reference to Jay-Z/I'm just dealing with a lot of Reasonable Doubt right now/I'm doubting my reasons for believing and my chances of achieving the the dreams that seemed so guaranteed when I was a young boy/Now I'm a grown man whose dreams and path of unsteady unrighteousness have made him paranoid...

All I really want to do is breathe...

Live a little bit...

Grasp that little bit of life...and love...because the pursuit of happiness is simply superficial when the only power you can relate to is that gained from behind a pistol...the only love you seem to see is that overt outpouring of emotion at a funeral...or the harsh realization that only the triviality of life seems to be undisputable...

Nowadays I tend to pray on the highway because i makes me feel like my life is actually going somewhere...I talk to God conversationally because it makes me feel like I'm taking a closer walk with thee...Yet when my feet hit the ground...so does my faith...it gets replaced with a demeanor described only as callous...an expression of contempt and malice for all things that do not benefit me...a selfishness that stretches my psyche...and a lust for confrontation that could only threatens to destroy me...God help me...

I realized that running from my past would only serve to make me weaker...so I dived headfirst in it only to realize that I was not confronting it...it was confronting me...drawing me back into the man that I had fought so hard not to be...Now...I fear I know nothing but him...

Sorry Mama...your little boy is gone forever...the man you knew is too...

I'm still existing...but the fire that was once in my eyes has gone from almost white with voracity to a mind numbing green of bitter blasphemy...

Maybe I'll be back one day...